Day 19

Day 19 and it’s my first peak day today. It was nice to see the little egg symbol on the screen. It just helps me know that everything is working properly again and I’m all back to normal. I should have another peak tomorrow, then a high on Saturday and then back to low, which means I can sleep again! Then the Two Week Wait begins.

I’m feeling a bit panicky and upset and nervous today. I really want this month to be it. But I worry that it won’t be and at the same time I worry that it will. I’ll be upset fi I don’t conceive this month, because we’ve done everything we can. I’m restricting myself to one cup of coffee a day, I’m not drinking alcohol, I’m using the fertility monitor, I’m taking my temperature everyday, I have my hubby taking zinc tablets, I’m taking Folic Acid. There is nothing else I can do.

But – if I do fall pregnant, I’m not going to enjoy it because I’m going to be worrying so much about having another miscarriage. It’s hard to relax and not think about something when it’s something you want so much. One of my best friends is getting married in November and I am Chief Bridesmaid, and she told me the other week that I shouldn’t worry about it. I made a deal with her that if I don’t worry about this; she’s not to worry about her wedding. So as you can imagine, she wasn’t able to do that, and I made my point. I just wish I could fast forward the first twelve weeks of pregnancy and go to the second trimester!

How on earth am I going to be able to keep quiet when I do find out? We said that we wouldn’t tell anyone (apart from my gurgle friends of course) but I’m convinced I’ll let something slip or that people will guess. Like at work when I don’t even have my one cup of coffee or when I can’t even stomach the taste of decaf tea.

Is it just me that has these neurotic thoughts?

On a High

Day 17 and I’m on my 4^th day of a high reading! I’m shagged. In more ways than one!

 

I can’t help but worry that by “Baby Dancing” everyday that we are hindering things, but if we don’t and I don’t catch this month, I’ll kick myself thinking that if only we had then maybe I would, if that makes sense?

 

I’ve ordered some Pre-Seed today. I’m not really sure whether it has any benefits or not, but I’ll give it a try. As long as it doesn’t make things worse, that’s all I really care about.

 

I forgot to take my temperature this morning. That’s not like me. I usually take it when the alarm goes off. By the time I remembered it was too late as I was already up and showered.

 

The thing I hate most about the whole TTC thing is not being in control. I can do all of these things, charting temperatures, using my FM, buying a fertility spell and wearing a charm round my wrist etc, but actually, it still doesn’t put me in control. All I’m doing is trying to help the situation, but it doesn’t mean it WILL happen this month.  

 

Wondering when I will get my peak day. I’ve had 4 high, so hoping peak will come soon because I’m not sure that I can cope with the Baby Dancing everyday!!

Good News

Day 14 of using my monitor and I have a “High” reading. This is good news. It means things are working properly again after the miscarriage. Hopefully this month will be my month.

I was talking to a girl at work yesterday, she’s actually someone I consider to be a really good friend. She was the first person I told at work that I was pregnant coz I knew I could trust her. I was telling her that I feel like the girls in my team think I should be over it by now. None of them are maternal, none of them want children, so I don’t expect them to understand how I feel. God, some days even I don’t understand how I feel.

The other week, I was in the office and the rest of my team were out. I was having a bad day, I was extremely teary. I found out one of my gurgle friends was pregnant. I know it’s stupid, but I just felt so upset for myself and my loss and also a little bit pissed off at her. Not for her being pregnant, but for her sending me a message to tell me that she was when she knew I had just miscarried. I found it a little insensitive to be honest. I’m pleased for her, really I am. Anyway, I got to work and I was very teary. One of the girls emailed me and told me how hungover she was the previous day and she asked how I was. I told her I was having a bad day. She asked why. I told her I was feeling shitty coz of the miscarriage and her reply was “Oh cheer up.” And as if by magic, I felt 100 times better. NOT.

It’s not something I can switch on and off. I don’t care what anyone says, it was a bereavement that I went through. You don’t get over a bereavement with the click of your fingers.

The girl I was talking to yesterday hit the nail right on the head. She’s never been through a pregnancy or a miscarriage, but she understands because she wants children and she’d be devastated if it happened to her. She said that I probably feel inadequate as a woman. If anyone else said that I would have punched them, but she was right. I do. I do feel inadequate and that won’t change until I’ve had a baby and am holding him/her in my arms.

I don’t like to say I lost a baby. I prefer the term miscarriage, just because it seems a bit more detached.

Anyway, that’s all from me for now. I am off to do breakfast and other homely stuff. How glam!

Day 13

Today is day 13 of using my fertility monitor. It’s still showing as “low” so I’m not sure if I should be concerned yet. I would have hoped that I would have had a high day by now.

I tell you what really grates on my nerves, it’s the people that are lucky enough to have fallen pregnant and then try and patronise you with it. Just by saying things like “Oh it’ll be your turn soon” or “When WE were trying…….” And when you tell someone you miscarried and they say “Well you knew it was early” or “Well at least you know you can conceive.” Yes I knew it was early. Yes I know these things are common, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. And yes, I do know I can conceive, but I don’t know that I can carry a baby to full term. I could conceive twenty times, but if I never have a baby, what’s the point?

A girl at work has just announced she is pregnant. I didn’t take the news very well. I cried. She doesn’t really strike me as the maternal type. I know it sounds harsh, but other people have said the same. A friend of mine congratulated her and asked her if she was excited. She said “Yeah I suppose, its old news for me now though.” I just felt angry when I heard that. She doesn’t realise how lucky she is. Old news or not, she should be over the moon.

I’m trying to keep myself busy and focus on other things. I am taking part in a City Challenge in September for charity. It’s a work thing. There are five of us in a team. Four of us have to do canoeing. Two of us have to abseil. Two of us have to take part in a curry eating challenge and the whole team has to do a treasure hunt. If I‘m pregnant by then (fingers crossed) then I won’t do the abseiling one.

We are also getting another puppy. We went to see the breeder last night and they were only ten days old, so we’ll have him when he’s eight weeks. He’s a little Cairn terrier and we are going to call him Ernie. We already have a chocolate Labrador who is 17 months old, so I think she’ll be chuffed to have a little friend to play with. Hopefully, I’ll be so consumed with looking after the new puppy that I won’t focus on a baby too much.

That’s all from me today I think.

Expelling the Demons Within

I want to be a mum more than anything. My husband wants to be a dad which is just as well really. We haven’t been trying for that long, only since April, but it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.

The reason for starting this blog is so that I have somewhere to write down my feelings and get it all off my chest without having to burden anyone with my problems. People don’t always understand what exactly it is that I’m going through, and they don’t understand that some days I just want to sit quietly on my own.

I found out on June 6th that I was pregnant. I was so happy. We both were. But you know how it is. You can’t quite believe it. I went to the doctors a few days later and she didn’t test me, just referred me to a midwife which was fine, it was what I was expecting. But just for my own peace of mind, I did another pregnancy test. It came up negative. So I did another one and it was positive. I was quite confused. On the Wednesday, I started bleeding. My GP’s were closed on the Wednesday afternoon, so I called the emergency doctors, but they wouldn’t see me. They said it wasn’t an emergency and that if I started bleeding so heavily that I had to change a sanitary towel every half an hour, then to go to the hospital. If the fact that a woman who is five weeks pregnant is bleeding isn’t an emergency, then something is wrong with the world.

I got in to see my doctors the next day and I knew that I’d lost my baby. I know that you can’t bleed that much and still be pregnant. But as I would have only been 5 weeks, it was too soon to do a scan, so they couldn’t send me to the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit, so I was just left. We were due to go on holiday on the Saturday and the doctor suggested we think about cancelling it. That was it. That was the extent of help and support I got from our so called “Health Service”. I took some other advice about our holiday. We decided that if it was going to be dangerous for me to fly, then we wouldn’t go, but if the flight posed no danger, then we would go. We did some research and actually, we were fine to go. I swear, it was the best thing we could have done. Those two weeks away just kept my mind off it and I could get on and have a nice time.

Of course, I still thought about it. It was there with me everyday, but I was better on holiday than I would have been at home.

When we got back from our holiday, I was back to square one. The doctor hadn’t informed the antenatal unit about my miscarriage. So I had a letter and a message on the phone to arrange my first scan and booking appointment.

I went back to the doctors that week as I was having some pains in my stomach. I asked her why the antenatal dept hadn’t been informed and she said “Have you definitely miscarried then?” She did some swabs to check for infection, and she insisted on doing another pregnancy test just to be sure. Surprise surprise, it was negative.

My miscarriage was six weeks ago. I still think about it everyday and about what could have been. I should be at the stage now where we are getting ready to tell everyone. We told a few people. Parents and best friends. But we have learnt a lesson that next time we tell no one. Even the ones that are closest to you can cause you added stress by telling other people or pressuring you to tell them yourself. If no one knows, no one can do that to you.

It still breaks my heart. I see pregnant women in the street and I want to curl up into a ball and cry. I have my good days and my bad days, and to be honest, it’s still pretty even. I don’t have more good days than bad, or more bad than good. Sometimes I’ll be fine in the morning, but a mess in the afternoon.

I’m now using a Clearblue Fertility Monitor. It’s supposed to let you know which days are high and peak fertility for you. I’ve also bought a fertility spell. I’m not sure I believe in magic, but I’m willing to try anything. I really can’t bear the thought of going through it again.

I’ve also found a website called gurgle, and it’s such a great support network. I’m “friends” with quite a few people on there, and I swear, I couldn’t have got through some of this without them.

So there is my story, this here is the place where I can expel all of the demons inside me. I hope this journey takes me to a place with a happy ending.