My Journey to Motherhood

July 31, 2008

Day 19

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Fertility Monitor,Friends,Gurgle — Serendipity @ 3:49 pm

Day 19 and it’s my first peak day today. It was nice to see the little egg symbol on the screen. It just helps me know that everything is working properly again and I’m all back to normal. I should have another peak tomorrow, then a high on Saturday and then back to low, which means I can sleep again! Then the Two Week Wait begins.

I’m feeling a bit panicky and upset and nervous today. I really want this month to be it. But I worry that it won’t be and at the same time I worry that it will. I’ll be upset fi I don’t conceive this month, because we’ve done everything we can. I’m restricting myself to one cup of coffee a day, I’m not drinking alcohol, I’m using the fertility monitor, I’m taking my temperature everyday, I have my hubby taking zinc tablets, I’m taking Folic Acid. There is nothing else I can do.

But – if I do fall pregnant, I’m not going to enjoy it because I’m going to be worrying so much about having another miscarriage. It’s hard to relax and not think about something when it’s something you want so much. One of my best friends is getting married in November and I am Chief Bridesmaid, and she told me the other week that I shouldn’t worry about it. I made a deal with her that if I don’t worry about this; she’s not to worry about her wedding. So as you can imagine, she wasn’t able to do that, and I made my point. I just wish I could fast forward the first twelve weeks of pregnancy and go to the second trimester!

How on earth am I going to be able to keep quiet when I do find out? We said that we wouldn’t tell anyone (apart from my gurgle friends of course) but I’m convinced I’ll let something slip or that people will guess. Like at work when I don’t even have my one cup of coffee or when I can’t even stomach the taste of decaf tea.

Is it just me that has these neurotic thoughts?

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