My Journey to Motherhood

August 29, 2008

I want my life back

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Rants,Work — Serendipity @ 4:21 pm

I’ve been a bit slack in the whole blogging thing. I’ve never been very good at being regular.

 

I’ve had a bit of a bad week. I didn’t get the job I wanted, and am generally just feeling really negative about myself. I feel like a failure. Apparently I was second choice for this job and if there had been two positions available, I would have had one of them. Unfortunately, that doesn’t really make me feel any better. I feel like I’m not good enough for anything. Not good enough for the ob, not good enough to be a mum.

 

I’m ready to give up.

 

I’ve just spent the last 20 mins in the office with my manager having a good old cry. She wanted to “see how I was”. She wants to know what she can do to “get the old me back”. That I’m not myself and what can she do to help. So apparently fortnightly catch ups with her ought to do it, and that she is there for me if I ever need to chat. What do people expect? I lost my baby. I’m not pregnant, and I work with a girl who is as pregnant as I should be. How do people actually expect me to be? I can’t talk to anyone about it coz no one knows what to say and people are probably fed up of hearing about it. I can’t even talk to my husband about the way I feel.

 

Yet, if we give up trying as everyone is telling me, and just relax, it still wont happen, because how can it when you only have sex once a week? That was the whole point in getting the fertility monitor, so we wouldn’t be pressured to be at it more throughout the month. But then hubby says the fertility monitor adds pressure. Yet he doesn’t want to have sex on a more regular basis, and he’s also the one that wants to keep trying. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

I just want my life back.

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August 19, 2008

Talk About Frankie, My Chocolate Labrador

Filed under: Fun Stuff — Serendipity @ 10:49 am

Hmmm, OK, so I decided it was time to get a bit of positivity on this here blog. So I have been doing some blog surfing and found The Lazy Orgnaizer. She has a blogging carnival called Talk About Tuesday, so I thought I’d join in. So today, I am going to Talk About my chocolate Labrador.

We got Frankie when she was six weeks old. I’d never had a dog growing up, as my mum never wanted one, but I always knew that if I ever had a dog it would have to be a chocolate Labrador.

We couldn’t justify it when we first got married. We both worked full time and we didn’t want a dog if it was going to be on it’s own for the majority of the day. Then hubby got a job working from home so we decided it was the right time. So on April 8th 2007 this is what we brought home:

Wasn’t she a cutie?

That was the day we brought her home. She settled in great, no crying at night or anything. She was really fast at learning. We’d taught her “sit” withing a few days. She managed to figure out how to get upstairs, but she couldn’t get back down…..

I really couldn’t imagine my life without her now. She is such a joy to own. She is well behaved, she is sweet, she is funny. Don’t get me wrong, she is boisterous, but what 18 month old chocolate lab do you know that isn’t?

She passed her Bronze Kennel Club Accreditation when she was 1. She loves swimming, so much so that last week when we went for a walk, she decided she was going in the water – and I nearly ended up in there with her too. She is so affectionate and loves nothing more than a cuddle on the sofa. She is very much a lap dog, even though she’s far too big! And when I had my miscarriage, it was as if she knew. She wouldn’t leave my side, she just knew something was wrong.

She will be getting a new friend soon as we are getting another puppy in a few weeks. We are getting a Cairn Terrier. But Frankie will always be my favourite chocolate Labrador

August 14, 2008

Uninvited Guest

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Rants — Serendipity @ 11:08 am

AF came to visit. Who bloody invited her anyway? Coz it sure as hell wasn’t me.

GOD.

I hate it SO much. I feel so inadequate. I can’t even begin to describe how upset I am. I was crying last night, I was crying this morning. For lots of reasons. For the baby I lost in June, for the baby I didn’t make this month, for the pain and suffering I have to go through for the next 4/5 days, for not knowing how much longer I can keep putting myself through this.

I threw out my folic acid and pre pregnancy vitamins and the zinc last night. It seems pointless taking them. They don’t bloody do anything anyway. The thermometer has gone away in a drawer. I had a great big caramel macchiato from Starbucks this morning and there is a bottle of Rose wine in the fridge that I will be drinking this weekend while hubby is away at V Festival. Let’s face it, my months of depriving myself of alcohol and caffeine hasn’t really come to any good has it?!

Not a good day today. Looking forward to a weekend on my own with the dog, wallowing in self misery.

August 12, 2008

BFN

Filed under: Fertility Monitor — Serendipity @ 2:26 pm

So I turned my FM on this morning and it flashed with an “M” which means that my period is due any day now. So I tested using a Clearblue DigitalTM test and it came up with the definitive “Not Pregnant”. So I guess no bun for me this month.  I know its still a few days early, but if I’d tested using a cheap pound shop test and it had come back negative, then I might still think I’m in with a chance, but Clearblue DigitalTM is the only brand I trust, so if it says not pregnant, I believe it.

I just really thought that this month might be it. I’ve been feeling rough as hell, my skin has been really horrible, and even my boobs were starting to feel a bit sore. I guess it was all psychological.

I know of teenagers, 17 year olds, actually trying to get pregnant. To me that doesn’t make sense. How can they provide a stable environment for a child? They can’t have had chance to save any money, they can’t really be established in a job, and probably haven’t got a mortgage. They probably don’t have any life experience, and if we ask ourselves, how many of us felt ready for a child at 17, and are any of us with the same person we were with when we were that age? Some of us might be, and we might have married our childhood sweethearts, but that isn’t widely heard of in this day and age.

My point is, I’m 27, I have a 3 bed semi, I have a good job, my hubby has a fantastic job, we are married, we have a big family car, we have a dog, we have the perfect little set up for a family. The only problem is, the family is the only thing we are missing. It’s not fair. Especially since I was pregnant and it got taken away from me.

People are saying to me that I should give it a few more days to see if another test comes up positive, but I know in my heart that it won’t 😦

August 5, 2008

Decisions Decisions

Filed under: Feeling Negative — Serendipity @ 4:19 pm

I think I’ve come to the time in this journey where I have a big decision to make. The decision being whether I want to carry on trying for a baby, or whether we just knock it on the head now, and I don’t know which way to go.

 

It’s like I’ve said before, I hate not being in control, and there’s nothing I can do to make things happen and make sure I get pregnant. Deep down I really think that if it hasn’t happened this month, I’m giving up. Hubby isn’t happy, of course. He still wants his own family, but he doesn’t have to deal with things like I do. I’m the one that has to go through horrible periods whilst I’m not on the pill. I’m the one that’s doubled over in pain and has really heavy bleeding. I’m the one that’s reminded of the failure each time I go to the loo. All he has to do is say “oh that’s a shame, maybe next month.” And that isn’t fair. Plus his little bout of “performance anxiety” on Saturday night didn’t help very much.

 

We’ll see what the TWW brings, then it’s decision time.

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