My Journey to Motherhood

August 29, 2008

I want my life back

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Rants,Work — Serendipity @ 4:21 pm

I’ve been a bit slack in the whole blogging thing. I’ve never been very good at being regular.

 

I’ve had a bit of a bad week. I didn’t get the job I wanted, and am generally just feeling really negative about myself. I feel like a failure. Apparently I was second choice for this job and if there had been two positions available, I would have had one of them. Unfortunately, that doesn’t really make me feel any better. I feel like I’m not good enough for anything. Not good enough for the ob, not good enough to be a mum.

 

I’m ready to give up.

 

I’ve just spent the last 20 mins in the office with my manager having a good old cry. She wanted to “see how I was”. She wants to know what she can do to “get the old me back”. That I’m not myself and what can she do to help. So apparently fortnightly catch ups with her ought to do it, and that she is there for me if I ever need to chat. What do people expect? I lost my baby. I’m not pregnant, and I work with a girl who is as pregnant as I should be. How do people actually expect me to be? I can’t talk to anyone about it coz no one knows what to say and people are probably fed up of hearing about it. I can’t even talk to my husband about the way I feel.

 

Yet, if we give up trying as everyone is telling me, and just relax, it still wont happen, because how can it when you only have sex once a week? That was the whole point in getting the fertility monitor, so we wouldn’t be pressured to be at it more throughout the month. But then hubby says the fertility monitor adds pressure. Yet he doesn’t want to have sex on a more regular basis, and he’s also the one that wants to keep trying. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

I just want my life back.

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