My Journey to Motherhood

September 9, 2008

Black and White

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Rants — Serendipity @ 1:13 pm

I’m on my second week of the dreaded 2WW. I’m usually OK on the first week, but on the second week I am analysing every little thing.

 

At the moment, I have sore breasts, I feel really bloated, and I’m not “going” quite as regularly. All of these are symptoms, but it’s probably my over active imagination getting the better of me again.

 

I’ve started using Fertility Friend to chart my temperatures. It’s easy to use and you can choose from a list of drop downs any other symptoms.

 

I really do think that if it doesn’t happen this month then that’s it for us trying for a baby. I want my life back. Do you realise that hubby and I have never had a holiday on our own unless you count various weekends away. When we got married, we got marred in the Dominican Republic, so our families were with us. Last year we went to Spain with a friend, and this year, although we flew out to Canada on our own, we were spending time with hubby’s family. So if I do get pregnant, we’ll never have that holiday on our own. Plus, I am due to have a knee operation done, so if I’m pregnant, they won’t operate on me. Plus, I want a new job, but if I’m pregnant, no one will employ me.

 

Hubby wants to keep trying. Part of me does, but part of me just wants to take control again and go back on the pill. In my head we are either trying, or we’re not. If we are, then I’m still going to use the FM and chart temperatures and that. If we’re not, I’m going back on the pill. There is no grey area for me; it’s all black and white. I just need to decide which way to turn.

August 29, 2008

I want my life back

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Rants,Work — Serendipity @ 4:21 pm

I’ve been a bit slack in the whole blogging thing. I’ve never been very good at being regular.

 

I’ve had a bit of a bad week. I didn’t get the job I wanted, and am generally just feeling really negative about myself. I feel like a failure. Apparently I was second choice for this job and if there had been two positions available, I would have had one of them. Unfortunately, that doesn’t really make me feel any better. I feel like I’m not good enough for anything. Not good enough for the ob, not good enough to be a mum.

 

I’m ready to give up.

 

I’ve just spent the last 20 mins in the office with my manager having a good old cry. She wanted to “see how I was”. She wants to know what she can do to “get the old me back”. That I’m not myself and what can she do to help. So apparently fortnightly catch ups with her ought to do it, and that she is there for me if I ever need to chat. What do people expect? I lost my baby. I’m not pregnant, and I work with a girl who is as pregnant as I should be. How do people actually expect me to be? I can’t talk to anyone about it coz no one knows what to say and people are probably fed up of hearing about it. I can’t even talk to my husband about the way I feel.

 

Yet, if we give up trying as everyone is telling me, and just relax, it still wont happen, because how can it when you only have sex once a week? That was the whole point in getting the fertility monitor, so we wouldn’t be pressured to be at it more throughout the month. But then hubby says the fertility monitor adds pressure. Yet he doesn’t want to have sex on a more regular basis, and he’s also the one that wants to keep trying. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

I just want my life back.

August 14, 2008

Uninvited Guest

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Rants — Serendipity @ 11:08 am

AF came to visit. Who bloody invited her anyway? Coz it sure as hell wasn’t me.

GOD.

I hate it SO much. I feel so inadequate. I can’t even begin to describe how upset I am. I was crying last night, I was crying this morning. For lots of reasons. For the baby I lost in June, for the baby I didn’t make this month, for the pain and suffering I have to go through for the next 4/5 days, for not knowing how much longer I can keep putting myself through this.

I threw out my folic acid and pre pregnancy vitamins and the zinc last night. It seems pointless taking them. They don’t bloody do anything anyway. The thermometer has gone away in a drawer. I had a great big caramel macchiato from Starbucks this morning and there is a bottle of Rose wine in the fridge that I will be drinking this weekend while hubby is away at V Festival. Let’s face it, my months of depriving myself of alcohol and caffeine hasn’t really come to any good has it?!

Not a good day today. Looking forward to a weekend on my own with the dog, wallowing in self misery.

August 5, 2008

Decisions Decisions

Filed under: Feeling Negative — Serendipity @ 4:19 pm

I think I’ve come to the time in this journey where I have a big decision to make. The decision being whether I want to carry on trying for a baby, or whether we just knock it on the head now, and I don’t know which way to go.

 

It’s like I’ve said before, I hate not being in control, and there’s nothing I can do to make things happen and make sure I get pregnant. Deep down I really think that if it hasn’t happened this month, I’m giving up. Hubby isn’t happy, of course. He still wants his own family, but he doesn’t have to deal with things like I do. I’m the one that has to go through horrible periods whilst I’m not on the pill. I’m the one that’s doubled over in pain and has really heavy bleeding. I’m the one that’s reminded of the failure each time I go to the loo. All he has to do is say “oh that’s a shame, maybe next month.” And that isn’t fair. Plus his little bout of “performance anxiety” on Saturday night didn’t help very much.

 

We’ll see what the TWW brings, then it’s decision time.

July 31, 2008

Day 19

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Fertility Monitor,Friends,Gurgle — Serendipity @ 3:49 pm

Day 19 and it’s my first peak day today. It was nice to see the little egg symbol on the screen. It just helps me know that everything is working properly again and I’m all back to normal. I should have another peak tomorrow, then a high on Saturday and then back to low, which means I can sleep again! Then the Two Week Wait begins.

I’m feeling a bit panicky and upset and nervous today. I really want this month to be it. But I worry that it won’t be and at the same time I worry that it will. I’ll be upset fi I don’t conceive this month, because we’ve done everything we can. I’m restricting myself to one cup of coffee a day, I’m not drinking alcohol, I’m using the fertility monitor, I’m taking my temperature everyday, I have my hubby taking zinc tablets, I’m taking Folic Acid. There is nothing else I can do.

But – if I do fall pregnant, I’m not going to enjoy it because I’m going to be worrying so much about having another miscarriage. It’s hard to relax and not think about something when it’s something you want so much. One of my best friends is getting married in November and I am Chief Bridesmaid, and she told me the other week that I shouldn’t worry about it. I made a deal with her that if I don’t worry about this; she’s not to worry about her wedding. So as you can imagine, she wasn’t able to do that, and I made my point. I just wish I could fast forward the first twelve weeks of pregnancy and go to the second trimester!

How on earth am I going to be able to keep quiet when I do find out? We said that we wouldn’t tell anyone (apart from my gurgle friends of course) but I’m convinced I’ll let something slip or that people will guess. Like at work when I don’t even have my one cup of coffee or when I can’t even stomach the taste of decaf tea.

Is it just me that has these neurotic thoughts?

July 24, 2008

Expelling the Demons Within

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Rants — Serendipity @ 2:42 pm

I want to be a mum more than anything. My husband wants to be a dad which is just as well really. We haven’t been trying for that long, only since April, but it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.

The reason for starting this blog is so that I have somewhere to write down my feelings and get it all off my chest without having to burden anyone with my problems. People don’t always understand what exactly it is that I’m going through, and they don’t understand that some days I just want to sit quietly on my own.

I found out on June 6th that I was pregnant. I was so happy. We both were. But you know how it is. You can’t quite believe it. I went to the doctors a few days later and she didn’t test me, just referred me to a midwife which was fine, it was what I was expecting. But just for my own peace of mind, I did another pregnancy test. It came up negative. So I did another one and it was positive. I was quite confused. On the Wednesday, I started bleeding. My GP’s were closed on the Wednesday afternoon, so I called the emergency doctors, but they wouldn’t see me. They said it wasn’t an emergency and that if I started bleeding so heavily that I had to change a sanitary towel every half an hour, then to go to the hospital. If the fact that a woman who is five weeks pregnant is bleeding isn’t an emergency, then something is wrong with the world.

I got in to see my doctors the next day and I knew that I’d lost my baby. I know that you can’t bleed that much and still be pregnant. But as I would have only been 5 weeks, it was too soon to do a scan, so they couldn’t send me to the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit, so I was just left. We were due to go on holiday on the Saturday and the doctor suggested we think about cancelling it. That was it. That was the extent of help and support I got from our so called “Health Service”. I took some other advice about our holiday. We decided that if it was going to be dangerous for me to fly, then we wouldn’t go, but if the flight posed no danger, then we would go. We did some research and actually, we were fine to go. I swear, it was the best thing we could have done. Those two weeks away just kept my mind off it and I could get on and have a nice time.

Of course, I still thought about it. It was there with me everyday, but I was better on holiday than I would have been at home.

When we got back from our holiday, I was back to square one. The doctor hadn’t informed the antenatal unit about my miscarriage. So I had a letter and a message on the phone to arrange my first scan and booking appointment.

I went back to the doctors that week as I was having some pains in my stomach. I asked her why the antenatal dept hadn’t been informed and she said “Have you definitely miscarried then?” She did some swabs to check for infection, and she insisted on doing another pregnancy test just to be sure. Surprise surprise, it was negative.

My miscarriage was six weeks ago. I still think about it everyday and about what could have been. I should be at the stage now where we are getting ready to tell everyone. We told a few people. Parents and best friends. But we have learnt a lesson that next time we tell no one. Even the ones that are closest to you can cause you added stress by telling other people or pressuring you to tell them yourself. If no one knows, no one can do that to you.

It still breaks my heart. I see pregnant women in the street and I want to curl up into a ball and cry. I have my good days and my bad days, and to be honest, it’s still pretty even. I don’t have more good days than bad, or more bad than good. Sometimes I’ll be fine in the morning, but a mess in the afternoon.

I’m now using a Clearblue Fertility Monitor. It’s supposed to let you know which days are high and peak fertility for you. I’ve also bought a fertility spell. I’m not sure I believe in magic, but I’m willing to try anything. I really can’t bear the thought of going through it again.

I’ve also found a website called gurgle, and it’s such a great support network. I’m “friends” with quite a few people on there, and I swear, I couldn’t have got through some of this without them.

So there is my story, this here is the place where I can expel all of the demons inside me. I hope this journey takes me to a place with a happy ending.

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