My Journey to Motherhood

August 12, 2008

BFN

Filed under: Fertility Monitor — Serendipity @ 2:26 pm

So I turned my FM on this morning and it flashed with an “M” which means that my period is due any day now. So I tested using a Clearblue DigitalTM test and it came up with the definitive “Not Pregnant”. So I guess no bun for me this month.  I know its still a few days early, but if I’d tested using a cheap pound shop test and it had come back negative, then I might still think I’m in with a chance, but Clearblue DigitalTM is the only brand I trust, so if it says not pregnant, I believe it.

I just really thought that this month might be it. I’ve been feeling rough as hell, my skin has been really horrible, and even my boobs were starting to feel a bit sore. I guess it was all psychological.

I know of teenagers, 17 year olds, actually trying to get pregnant. To me that doesn’t make sense. How can they provide a stable environment for a child? They can’t have had chance to save any money, they can’t really be established in a job, and probably haven’t got a mortgage. They probably don’t have any life experience, and if we ask ourselves, how many of us felt ready for a child at 17, and are any of us with the same person we were with when we were that age? Some of us might be, and we might have married our childhood sweethearts, but that isn’t widely heard of in this day and age.

My point is, I’m 27, I have a 3 bed semi, I have a good job, my hubby has a fantastic job, we are married, we have a big family car, we have a dog, we have the perfect little set up for a family. The only problem is, the family is the only thing we are missing. It’s not fair. Especially since I was pregnant and it got taken away from me.

People are saying to me that I should give it a few more days to see if another test comes up positive, but I know in my heart that it won’t 😦

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July 31, 2008

Day 19

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Fertility Monitor,Friends,Gurgle — Serendipity @ 3:49 pm

Day 19 and it’s my first peak day today. It was nice to see the little egg symbol on the screen. It just helps me know that everything is working properly again and I’m all back to normal. I should have another peak tomorrow, then a high on Saturday and then back to low, which means I can sleep again! Then the Two Week Wait begins.

I’m feeling a bit panicky and upset and nervous today. I really want this month to be it. But I worry that it won’t be and at the same time I worry that it will. I’ll be upset fi I don’t conceive this month, because we’ve done everything we can. I’m restricting myself to one cup of coffee a day, I’m not drinking alcohol, I’m using the fertility monitor, I’m taking my temperature everyday, I have my hubby taking zinc tablets, I’m taking Folic Acid. There is nothing else I can do.

But – if I do fall pregnant, I’m not going to enjoy it because I’m going to be worrying so much about having another miscarriage. It’s hard to relax and not think about something when it’s something you want so much. One of my best friends is getting married in November and I am Chief Bridesmaid, and she told me the other week that I shouldn’t worry about it. I made a deal with her that if I don’t worry about this; she’s not to worry about her wedding. So as you can imagine, she wasn’t able to do that, and I made my point. I just wish I could fast forward the first twelve weeks of pregnancy and go to the second trimester!

How on earth am I going to be able to keep quiet when I do find out? We said that we wouldn’t tell anyone (apart from my gurgle friends of course) but I’m convinced I’ll let something slip or that people will guess. Like at work when I don’t even have my one cup of coffee or when I can’t even stomach the taste of decaf tea.

Is it just me that has these neurotic thoughts?

July 29, 2008

On a High

Filed under: Fertility Monitor — Serendipity @ 11:17 am

Day 17 and I’m on my 4th day of a high reading! I’m shagged. In more ways than one!

 

I can’t help but worry that by “Baby Dancing” everyday that we are hindering things, but if we don’t and I don’t catch this month, I’ll kick myself thinking that if only we had then maybe I would, if that makes sense?

 

I’ve ordered some Pre-Seed today. I’m not really sure whether it has any benefits or not, but I’ll give it a try. As long as it doesn’t make things worse, that’s all I really care about.

 

I forgot to take my temperature this morning. That’s not like me. I usually take it when the alarm goes off. By the time I remembered it was too late as I was already up and showered.

 

The thing I hate most about the whole TTC thing is not being in control. I can do all of these things, charting temperatures, using my FM, buying a fertility spell and wearing a charm round my wrist etc, but actually, it still doesn’t put me in control. All I’m doing is trying to help the situation, but it doesn’t mean it WILL happen this month.  

 

Wondering when I will get my peak day. I’ve had 4 high, so hoping peak will come soon because I’m not sure that I can cope with the Baby Dancing everyday!!

July 26, 2008

Good News

Filed under: Fertility Monitor,Friends,Gurgle,Work — Serendipity @ 8:27 am

Day 14 of using my monitor and I have a “High” reading. This is good news. It means things are working properly again after the miscarriage. Hopefully this month will be my month.

I was talking to a girl at work yesterday, she’s actually someone I consider to be a really good friend. She was the first person I told at work that I was pregnant coz I knew I could trust her. I was telling her that I feel like the girls in my team think I should be over it by now. None of them are maternal, none of them want children, so I don’t expect them to understand how I feel. God, some days even I don’t understand how I feel.

The other week, I was in the office and the rest of my team were out. I was having a bad day, I was extremely teary. I found out one of my gurgle friends was pregnant. I know it’s stupid, but I just felt so upset for myself and my loss and also a little bit pissed off at her. Not for her being pregnant, but for her sending me a message to tell me that she was when she knew I had just miscarried. I found it a little insensitive to be honest. I’m pleased for her, really I am. Anyway, I got to work and I was very teary. One of the girls emailed me and told me how hungover she was the previous day and she asked how I was. I told her I was having a bad day. She asked why. I told her I was feeling shitty coz of the miscarriage and her reply was “Oh cheer up.” And as if by magic, I felt 100 times better. NOT.

It’s not something I can switch on and off. I don’t care what anyone says, it was a bereavement that I went through. You don’t get over a bereavement with the click of your fingers.

The girl I was talking to yesterday hit the nail right on the head. She’s never been through a pregnancy or a miscarriage, but she understands because she wants children and she’d be devastated if it happened to her. She said that I probably feel inadequate as a woman. If anyone else said that I would have punched them, but she was right. I do. I do feel inadequate and that won’t change until I’ve had a baby and am holding him/her in my arms.

I don’t like to say I lost a baby. I prefer the term miscarriage, just because it seems a bit more detached.

Anyway, that’s all from me for now. I am off to do breakfast and other homely stuff. How glam!

July 25, 2008

Day 13

Filed under: Fertility Monitor — Serendipity @ 10:19 am

Today is day 13 of using my fertility monitor. It’s still showing as “low” so I’m not sure if I should be concerned yet. I would have hoped that I would have had a high day by now.

I tell you what really grates on my nerves, it’s the people that are lucky enough to have fallen pregnant and then try and patronise you with it. Just by saying things like “Oh it’ll be your turn soon” or “When WE were trying…….” And when you tell someone you miscarried and they say “Well you knew it was early” or “Well at least you know you can conceive.” Yes I knew it was early. Yes I know these things are common, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. And yes, I do know I can conceive, but I don’t know that I can carry a baby to full term. I could conceive twenty times, but if I never have a baby, what’s the point?

A girl at work has just announced she is pregnant. I didn’t take the news very well. I cried. She doesn’t really strike me as the maternal type. I know it sounds harsh, but other people have said the same. A friend of mine congratulated her and asked her if she was excited. She said “Yeah I suppose, its old news for me now though.” I just felt angry when I heard that. She doesn’t realise how lucky she is. Old news or not, she should be over the moon.

I’m trying to keep myself busy and focus on other things. I am taking part in a City Challenge in September for charity. It’s a work thing. There are five of us in a team. Four of us have to do canoeing. Two of us have to abseil. Two of us have to take part in a curry eating challenge and the whole team has to do a treasure hunt. If I‘m pregnant by then (fingers crossed) then I won’t do the abseiling one.

We are also getting another puppy. We went to see the breeder last night and they were only ten days old, so we’ll have him when he’s eight weeks. He’s a little Cairn terrier and we are going to call him Ernie. We already have a chocolate Labrador who is 17 months old, so I think she’ll be chuffed to have a little friend to play with. Hopefully, I’ll be so consumed with looking after the new puppy that I won’t focus on a baby too much.

That’s all from me today I think.

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