My Journey to Motherhood

July 31, 2008

Day 19

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Fertility Monitor,Friends,Gurgle — Serendipity @ 3:49 pm

Day 19 and it’s my first peak day today. It was nice to see the little egg symbol on the screen. It just helps me know that everything is working properly again and I’m all back to normal. I should have another peak tomorrow, then a high on Saturday and then back to low, which means I can sleep again! Then the Two Week Wait begins.

I’m feeling a bit panicky and upset and nervous today. I really want this month to be it. But I worry that it won’t be and at the same time I worry that it will. I’ll be upset fi I don’t conceive this month, because we’ve done everything we can. I’m restricting myself to one cup of coffee a day, I’m not drinking alcohol, I’m using the fertility monitor, I’m taking my temperature everyday, I have my hubby taking zinc tablets, I’m taking Folic Acid. There is nothing else I can do.

But – if I do fall pregnant, I’m not going to enjoy it because I’m going to be worrying so much about having another miscarriage. It’s hard to relax and not think about something when it’s something you want so much. One of my best friends is getting married in November and I am Chief Bridesmaid, and she told me the other week that I shouldn’t worry about it. I made a deal with her that if I don’t worry about this; she’s not to worry about her wedding. So as you can imagine, she wasn’t able to do that, and I made my point. I just wish I could fast forward the first twelve weeks of pregnancy and go to the second trimester!

How on earth am I going to be able to keep quiet when I do find out? We said that we wouldn’t tell anyone (apart from my gurgle friends of course) but I’m convinced I’ll let something slip or that people will guess. Like at work when I don’t even have my one cup of coffee or when I can’t even stomach the taste of decaf tea.

Is it just me that has these neurotic thoughts?

July 26, 2008

Good News

Filed under: Fertility Monitor,Friends,Gurgle,Work — Serendipity @ 8:27 am

Day 14 of using my monitor and I have a “High” reading. This is good news. It means things are working properly again after the miscarriage. Hopefully this month will be my month.

I was talking to a girl at work yesterday, she’s actually someone I consider to be a really good friend. She was the first person I told at work that I was pregnant coz I knew I could trust her. I was telling her that I feel like the girls in my team think I should be over it by now. None of them are maternal, none of them want children, so I don’t expect them to understand how I feel. God, some days even I don’t understand how I feel.

The other week, I was in the office and the rest of my team were out. I was having a bad day, I was extremely teary. I found out one of my gurgle friends was pregnant. I know it’s stupid, but I just felt so upset for myself and my loss and also a little bit pissed off at her. Not for her being pregnant, but for her sending me a message to tell me that she was when she knew I had just miscarried. I found it a little insensitive to be honest. I’m pleased for her, really I am. Anyway, I got to work and I was very teary. One of the girls emailed me and told me how hungover she was the previous day and she asked how I was. I told her I was having a bad day. She asked why. I told her I was feeling shitty coz of the miscarriage and her reply was “Oh cheer up.” And as if by magic, I felt 100 times better. NOT.

It’s not something I can switch on and off. I don’t care what anyone says, it was a bereavement that I went through. You don’t get over a bereavement with the click of your fingers.

The girl I was talking to yesterday hit the nail right on the head. She’s never been through a pregnancy or a miscarriage, but she understands because she wants children and she’d be devastated if it happened to her. She said that I probably feel inadequate as a woman. If anyone else said that I would have punched them, but she was right. I do. I do feel inadequate and that won’t change until I’ve had a baby and am holding him/her in my arms.

I don’t like to say I lost a baby. I prefer the term miscarriage, just because it seems a bit more detached.

Anyway, that’s all from me for now. I am off to do breakfast and other homely stuff. How glam!

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