My Journey to Motherhood

August 29, 2008

I want my life back

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Rants,Work — Serendipity @ 4:21 pm

I’ve been a bit slack in the whole blogging thing. I’ve never been very good at being regular.

 

I’ve had a bit of a bad week. I didn’t get the job I wanted, and am generally just feeling really negative about myself. I feel like a failure. Apparently I was second choice for this job and if there had been two positions available, I would have had one of them. Unfortunately, that doesn’t really make me feel any better. I feel like I’m not good enough for anything. Not good enough for the ob, not good enough to be a mum.

 

I’m ready to give up.

 

I’ve just spent the last 20 mins in the office with my manager having a good old cry. She wanted to “see how I was”. She wants to know what she can do to “get the old me back”. That I’m not myself and what can she do to help. So apparently fortnightly catch ups with her ought to do it, and that she is there for me if I ever need to chat. What do people expect? I lost my baby. I’m not pregnant, and I work with a girl who is as pregnant as I should be. How do people actually expect me to be? I can’t talk to anyone about it coz no one knows what to say and people are probably fed up of hearing about it. I can’t even talk to my husband about the way I feel.

 

Yet, if we give up trying as everyone is telling me, and just relax, it still wont happen, because how can it when you only have sex once a week? That was the whole point in getting the fertility monitor, so we wouldn’t be pressured to be at it more throughout the month. But then hubby says the fertility monitor adds pressure. Yet he doesn’t want to have sex on a more regular basis, and he’s also the one that wants to keep trying. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

I just want my life back.

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July 26, 2008

Good News

Filed under: Fertility Monitor,Friends,Gurgle,Work — Serendipity @ 8:27 am

Day 14 of using my monitor and I have a “High” reading. This is good news. It means things are working properly again after the miscarriage. Hopefully this month will be my month.

I was talking to a girl at work yesterday, she’s actually someone I consider to be a really good friend. She was the first person I told at work that I was pregnant coz I knew I could trust her. I was telling her that I feel like the girls in my team think I should be over it by now. None of them are maternal, none of them want children, so I don’t expect them to understand how I feel. God, some days even I don’t understand how I feel.

The other week, I was in the office and the rest of my team were out. I was having a bad day, I was extremely teary. I found out one of my gurgle friends was pregnant. I know it’s stupid, but I just felt so upset for myself and my loss and also a little bit pissed off at her. Not for her being pregnant, but for her sending me a message to tell me that she was when she knew I had just miscarried. I found it a little insensitive to be honest. I’m pleased for her, really I am. Anyway, I got to work and I was very teary. One of the girls emailed me and told me how hungover she was the previous day and she asked how I was. I told her I was having a bad day. She asked why. I told her I was feeling shitty coz of the miscarriage and her reply was “Oh cheer up.” And as if by magic, I felt 100 times better. NOT.

It’s not something I can switch on and off. I don’t care what anyone says, it was a bereavement that I went through. You don’t get over a bereavement with the click of your fingers.

The girl I was talking to yesterday hit the nail right on the head. She’s never been through a pregnancy or a miscarriage, but she understands because she wants children and she’d be devastated if it happened to her. She said that I probably feel inadequate as a woman. If anyone else said that I would have punched them, but she was right. I do. I do feel inadequate and that won’t change until I’ve had a baby and am holding him/her in my arms.

I don’t like to say I lost a baby. I prefer the term miscarriage, just because it seems a bit more detached.

Anyway, that’s all from me for now. I am off to do breakfast and other homely stuff. How glam!

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