My Journey to Motherhood

May 18, 2009

39+4

Filed under: Birth,Medics,Pregnancy — Serendipity @ 10:28 pm

I know. I’ve done it again, but left it even longer this time. I really am rubbish at this blogging lark.

Up until 35 weeks, I had a regularly normal pregnancy. We didn’t find out what we were having at our 20 week scan. We have chosen rather to have the surprise. I say “WE” it was actually hubby that decided he didn’t want to know. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to know or not.

My BP has been fairly normal all the way through and I’ve had normal pregnancy niggles, such as bad back, needing to go to the loo all the time. I had a scare at 27 weeks where I hadn’t felt baby move, so I had to go to the hospital for a scan. All was fine, but we discovered I had an anterior placenta so that may have been cushioning the kicks if you like.

But apart all was going swimmingly and hubby and I after much consideration (on his part – I already knew it was what I wanted) decided on a water birth at home. It was all planned, but I was putting off buying my birth pool until I got to 36 weeks. Good job too!

I had a bleed at 35 weeks and the consultant at that point decided he didn’t want me to go overdue, even though to this day, even after two more scans, we still don’t know what caused it. Bear in mind up until this point, I wasn’t under consultant led care; it was all midwife led, so this guy knew nothing about my pregnancy. And even though I had a problem free pregnancy until that point they decided they were going to induce me at 39 weeks. When I saw the consultant again, we arranged a compromise that he wouldn’t induce me at 39 weeks, but that I would go back for an examination, and if my cervix was “favourable for induction,” they would do it there and then, if not, they’d leave it for another week, but I wasn’t going to be allowed to go past my due date. Well, when I saw the consultant again, my cervix was still tightly closed and nothing had started happening. So I’m now booked in for induction on Wednesday. I haven’t even had a show yet!

I’ve been really quite emotionally sane throughout this pregnancy, the last few days I’ve just been getting worked up and tearful. And I feel like all the people who told me that I was wrong in planning a homebirth are now all thinking “I told you so!” I know that once little one is here I’ll feel much better. I guess its fear of the unknown more than anything. I’m petrified!

December 24, 2008

18+6

Filed under: Feeling Positive,Pregnancy — Serendipity @ 3:27 pm

Yes, that’s how pregnant I am. 18 weeks, 6 days. I haven’t blogged since I got my BFP. I know no one reads this thing anyway, so it seemed kind of pointless, but also, this blog was somewhere for me to vent at my frustrations of not being pregnant.

But then I got to thinking, and I decided that I really ought to be writing about this special time, and how I feel and what’s happening to me. So in a nutshell, this is what’s happened since my BFP:

September 12th: We brought our new puppy, Ernie home. I had a doctor’s appointment to confirm my pregnancy and get referred to a midwife

October 2nd: I had my “Booking In” appointment with my midwife

October 13th: We paid for our private ultrasound scan to make sure everything was ok and we got to see our baby for the first time. S/he was 16mm

November 3rd: I had my official dating scan and was told my due date is May 21st 2009 and that I was 11 weeks 4 days pregnant. I had my first lot of blood tests taken

November 4th: We went out for dinner with our parents and told them the good news

November 5th: We told my brothers and hubby’s grandparents. I told everyone at work

November 7th: We ordered our pushchair and I bought my first pair of maternity jeans

November 29th: I had a letter through telling me I was rhesus D negative and that I would need anti-d injections at 28 and 34 weeks and possibly after the baby is born

December 5th: I had a midwife appointment and had my triple test done. We got to hear the baby’s heartbeat through a Doppler.

December 19th: I still hadn’t felt baby kicked, so booked an appointment with the midwife just to check all was well. We got to hear the heartbeat again. Have now bought a Doppler of our own and are listening to the heartbeat everyday.

That brings us up to date really. I have been lucky in the fact that I have not really suffered with morning sickness. I’ve felt a bit queasy every now and then. I am getting dizzy spells though, and I have suffered with the most horrendous headaches.

I have my next ultrasound on 9th Jan, but we are not going to find out what we are having, and instead, have a surprise at the end of May.

I will update more often.

Until then, Merry Christmas x

September 12, 2008

BFP!

Filed under: Feeling Positive,Medics — Serendipity @ 8:52 am

I can’t believe it. I got my BFP!! I was feeling rotten. Sore boobs, really bloated etc and I just wanted to know. So Wednesday evening, I did a pregnancy test, and a faint line appeared. So I did another one, and another faint line appeared. Yesterday, I got home from work and did another one, and ANOTHER line appeared. So I did a Clearblue digital this morning and it said the work “Pregnant”. So no two ways about it, I’m pregnant.

 

Just once more: I’M PREGNANT!!!

 

I’ve worked it out that I’ll be due between the 24th and 26th May 2009. Different calculators have given me different results, so will just have to wait until my scan. I am going to book in for a private scan at 8 weeks just to make sure everything is ok and give me peace of mind. I know the worst can still happen between 8 and 12 weeks, but at 8 weeks if all is well, there is only a 2% chance of miscarriage.

 

I just feel so different this time. I didn’t last time. I’m feeling really positive about this one.  I am so happy and scared and excited and nervous.

September 9, 2008

Black and White

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Rants — Serendipity @ 1:13 pm

I’m on my second week of the dreaded 2WW. I’m usually OK on the first week, but on the second week I am analysing every little thing.

 

At the moment, I have sore breasts, I feel really bloated, and I’m not “going” quite as regularly. All of these are symptoms, but it’s probably my over active imagination getting the better of me again.

 

I’ve started using Fertility Friend to chart my temperatures. It’s easy to use and you can choose from a list of drop downs any other symptoms.

 

I really do think that if it doesn’t happen this month then that’s it for us trying for a baby. I want my life back. Do you realise that hubby and I have never had a holiday on our own unless you count various weekends away. When we got married, we got marred in the Dominican Republic, so our families were with us. Last year we went to Spain with a friend, and this year, although we flew out to Canada on our own, we were spending time with hubby’s family. So if I do get pregnant, we’ll never have that holiday on our own. Plus, I am due to have a knee operation done, so if I’m pregnant, they won’t operate on me. Plus, I want a new job, but if I’m pregnant, no one will employ me.

 

Hubby wants to keep trying. Part of me does, but part of me just wants to take control again and go back on the pill. In my head we are either trying, or we’re not. If we are, then I’m still going to use the FM and chart temperatures and that. If we’re not, I’m going back on the pill. There is no grey area for me; it’s all black and white. I just need to decide which way to turn.

August 29, 2008

I want my life back

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Rants,Work — Serendipity @ 4:21 pm

I’ve been a bit slack in the whole blogging thing. I’ve never been very good at being regular.

 

I’ve had a bit of a bad week. I didn’t get the job I wanted, and am generally just feeling really negative about myself. I feel like a failure. Apparently I was second choice for this job and if there had been two positions available, I would have had one of them. Unfortunately, that doesn’t really make me feel any better. I feel like I’m not good enough for anything. Not good enough for the ob, not good enough to be a mum.

 

I’m ready to give up.

 

I’ve just spent the last 20 mins in the office with my manager having a good old cry. She wanted to “see how I was”. She wants to know what she can do to “get the old me back”. That I’m not myself and what can she do to help. So apparently fortnightly catch ups with her ought to do it, and that she is there for me if I ever need to chat. What do people expect? I lost my baby. I’m not pregnant, and I work with a girl who is as pregnant as I should be. How do people actually expect me to be? I can’t talk to anyone about it coz no one knows what to say and people are probably fed up of hearing about it. I can’t even talk to my husband about the way I feel.

 

Yet, if we give up trying as everyone is telling me, and just relax, it still wont happen, because how can it when you only have sex once a week? That was the whole point in getting the fertility monitor, so we wouldn’t be pressured to be at it more throughout the month. But then hubby says the fertility monitor adds pressure. Yet he doesn’t want to have sex on a more regular basis, and he’s also the one that wants to keep trying. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

I just want my life back.

August 19, 2008

Talk About Frankie, My Chocolate Labrador

Filed under: Fun Stuff — Serendipity @ 10:49 am

Hmmm, OK, so I decided it was time to get a bit of positivity on this here blog. So I have been doing some blog surfing and found The Lazy Orgnaizer. She has a blogging carnival called Talk About Tuesday, so I thought I’d join in. So today, I am going to Talk About my chocolate Labrador.

We got Frankie when she was six weeks old. I’d never had a dog growing up, as my mum never wanted one, but I always knew that if I ever had a dog it would have to be a chocolate Labrador.

We couldn’t justify it when we first got married. We both worked full time and we didn’t want a dog if it was going to be on it’s own for the majority of the day. Then hubby got a job working from home so we decided it was the right time. So on April 8th 2007 this is what we brought home:

Wasn’t she a cutie?

That was the day we brought her home. She settled in great, no crying at night or anything. She was really fast at learning. We’d taught her “sit” withing a few days. She managed to figure out how to get upstairs, but she couldn’t get back down…..

I really couldn’t imagine my life without her now. She is such a joy to own. She is well behaved, she is sweet, she is funny. Don’t get me wrong, she is boisterous, but what 18 month old chocolate lab do you know that isn’t?

She passed her Bronze Kennel Club Accreditation when she was 1. She loves swimming, so much so that last week when we went for a walk, she decided she was going in the water – and I nearly ended up in there with her too. She is so affectionate and loves nothing more than a cuddle on the sofa. She is very much a lap dog, even though she’s far too big! And when I had my miscarriage, it was as if she knew. She wouldn’t leave my side, she just knew something was wrong.

She will be getting a new friend soon as we are getting another puppy in a few weeks. We are getting a Cairn Terrier. But Frankie will always be my favourite chocolate Labrador

August 14, 2008

Uninvited Guest

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Rants — Serendipity @ 11:08 am

AF came to visit. Who bloody invited her anyway? Coz it sure as hell wasn’t me.

GOD.

I hate it SO much. I feel so inadequate. I can’t even begin to describe how upset I am. I was crying last night, I was crying this morning. For lots of reasons. For the baby I lost in June, for the baby I didn’t make this month, for the pain and suffering I have to go through for the next 4/5 days, for not knowing how much longer I can keep putting myself through this.

I threw out my folic acid and pre pregnancy vitamins and the zinc last night. It seems pointless taking them. They don’t bloody do anything anyway. The thermometer has gone away in a drawer. I had a great big caramel macchiato from Starbucks this morning and there is a bottle of Rose wine in the fridge that I will be drinking this weekend while hubby is away at V Festival. Let’s face it, my months of depriving myself of alcohol and caffeine hasn’t really come to any good has it?!

Not a good day today. Looking forward to a weekend on my own with the dog, wallowing in self misery.

August 12, 2008

BFN

Filed under: Fertility Monitor — Serendipity @ 2:26 pm

So I turned my FM on this morning and it flashed with an “M” which means that my period is due any day now. So I tested using a Clearblue DigitalTM test and it came up with the definitive “Not Pregnant”. So I guess no bun for me this month.  I know its still a few days early, but if I’d tested using a cheap pound shop test and it had come back negative, then I might still think I’m in with a chance, but Clearblue DigitalTM is the only brand I trust, so if it says not pregnant, I believe it.

I just really thought that this month might be it. I’ve been feeling rough as hell, my skin has been really horrible, and even my boobs were starting to feel a bit sore. I guess it was all psychological.

I know of teenagers, 17 year olds, actually trying to get pregnant. To me that doesn’t make sense. How can they provide a stable environment for a child? They can’t have had chance to save any money, they can’t really be established in a job, and probably haven’t got a mortgage. They probably don’t have any life experience, and if we ask ourselves, how many of us felt ready for a child at 17, and are any of us with the same person we were with when we were that age? Some of us might be, and we might have married our childhood sweethearts, but that isn’t widely heard of in this day and age.

My point is, I’m 27, I have a 3 bed semi, I have a good job, my hubby has a fantastic job, we are married, we have a big family car, we have a dog, we have the perfect little set up for a family. The only problem is, the family is the only thing we are missing. It’s not fair. Especially since I was pregnant and it got taken away from me.

People are saying to me that I should give it a few more days to see if another test comes up positive, but I know in my heart that it won’t 😦

August 5, 2008

Decisions Decisions

Filed under: Feeling Negative — Serendipity @ 4:19 pm

I think I’ve come to the time in this journey where I have a big decision to make. The decision being whether I want to carry on trying for a baby, or whether we just knock it on the head now, and I don’t know which way to go.

 

It’s like I’ve said before, I hate not being in control, and there’s nothing I can do to make things happen and make sure I get pregnant. Deep down I really think that if it hasn’t happened this month, I’m giving up. Hubby isn’t happy, of course. He still wants his own family, but he doesn’t have to deal with things like I do. I’m the one that has to go through horrible periods whilst I’m not on the pill. I’m the one that’s doubled over in pain and has really heavy bleeding. I’m the one that’s reminded of the failure each time I go to the loo. All he has to do is say “oh that’s a shame, maybe next month.” And that isn’t fair. Plus his little bout of “performance anxiety” on Saturday night didn’t help very much.

 

We’ll see what the TWW brings, then it’s decision time.

July 31, 2008

Day 19

Filed under: Feeling Negative,Fertility Monitor,Friends,Gurgle — Serendipity @ 3:49 pm

Day 19 and it’s my first peak day today. It was nice to see the little egg symbol on the screen. It just helps me know that everything is working properly again and I’m all back to normal. I should have another peak tomorrow, then a high on Saturday and then back to low, which means I can sleep again! Then the Two Week Wait begins.

I’m feeling a bit panicky and upset and nervous today. I really want this month to be it. But I worry that it won’t be and at the same time I worry that it will. I’ll be upset fi I don’t conceive this month, because we’ve done everything we can. I’m restricting myself to one cup of coffee a day, I’m not drinking alcohol, I’m using the fertility monitor, I’m taking my temperature everyday, I have my hubby taking zinc tablets, I’m taking Folic Acid. There is nothing else I can do.

But – if I do fall pregnant, I’m not going to enjoy it because I’m going to be worrying so much about having another miscarriage. It’s hard to relax and not think about something when it’s something you want so much. One of my best friends is getting married in November and I am Chief Bridesmaid, and she told me the other week that I shouldn’t worry about it. I made a deal with her that if I don’t worry about this; she’s not to worry about her wedding. So as you can imagine, she wasn’t able to do that, and I made my point. I just wish I could fast forward the first twelve weeks of pregnancy and go to the second trimester!

How on earth am I going to be able to keep quiet when I do find out? We said that we wouldn’t tell anyone (apart from my gurgle friends of course) but I’m convinced I’ll let something slip or that people will guess. Like at work when I don’t even have my one cup of coffee or when I can’t even stomach the taste of decaf tea.

Is it just me that has these neurotic thoughts?

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